My Darkest Days...
Wow, it HAS been a while since I posted anything. Sorry, every day is a gift and I've been busy LIVING. It's so nice to not be stuck sitting on a couch 'cause you can't do much else. AND, big news! I'm now DRIVING! I cannot even begin to express how amazing it is to have my independence back. I appreciate that through my 6 months of non-driving I was able to learn to lean on others and also to slow down a bit, but I am elated to do the normal day to day things like driving to the store to to drop-off/pick-up the kids... I will never take driving for granted again!!
Lots of other experiences in the last month and a half to share, for example my 40 mile backpacking trip on the Pacific Crest Trail! But, that one I will save for the next blog... I try to write about what is the heaviest in my heart and on my mind. In my journey I have tried to steer clear of the "What if's." There are plenty of them around us all the time. "What if I'd only..." I think back to a few days before my seizure and the removal of my tumor when I was driving the entire family back from a day in Reno...you probably know that road. Lots of curves, cliffs, and very little room for error...I try not to think about the "What if I'd had my seizure then?" But, it still comes to mind. In a way, I was blessed when I had my seizure because I was at home with my family instead of 1,000 other potentially terrible scenarios.
I have a "What if..." that I haven't been able to shake since I found out some new information from my Dr. If you're reading this then you've probably already read the rest of my blogs, so you know that I proudly served in the US Army. (Reader Discretion- this is a super sensitive blog for me and hard to write and "put it all out there" but I will do my best. I'm a little nervous and anxious just typing it...)
So, I left the Army for medical reasons. It was a tough time for me and it was some of my darkest days. The medical reason revolved around depression. Not very many people know that or would even suspect it. I was embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed in myself, and I could never really understand why I felt so sad/ alone/ unable to love life. I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to be "myself" but, sometimes that just wasn't possible. So, a lot of the time I just played the role I was supposed to- fake it 'till ya make it kinda thing. Some days it got so bad that I contemplated ending everything. It's true. The thing that kept me alive on those days was knowing the pain it would cause my family if I did something drastic.
I tried the different prescription drugs the Army gave me. I saw different counselors and tried a variety of therapies and they never really seemed to help me. It was really difficult in so many ways; personally and professionally. Ultimately, it became my undoing in many ways. I've struggled with the outcome for more years than I want to count.
So, in working with the Veteran's Affairs (VA) office trying to add my BAT to my list of Army related aliments, I had a very interesting conversation with my Brain Surgeon. Based on the size of the tumor it's extremely probable that it was there while I was in the Army. I knew the migraines I have had for the past decade and a half were potentially related (haven't had one since the BAT was removed) but, when my surgeon asked why I got out of the military I found a new correlation... Guess what? He feels that it's highly probable that the depression related symptoms are more than likely directly attributed to the tumor. Holy hell! Are you getting this???? My darkest days weren't just in my head, they were truly IN MY HEAD from an EFFFFING TUMOR! And guess what else, all these horrible feelings I've lived with are pretty much gone. Amazing.
I can't tell you the variety of emotions I've had since hearing this. I've felt relief, anger, sadness, and I'm still just a bit baffled by it all. Thus comes the "What if...?????" So many thoughts pouring through my head. What would my military career have looked like if this had been found and taken out over a decade ago? What would the lost days and years have looked like? How much more could I have accomplished? It's upsetting, yet a relief, because now I know that I'm going to be okay and hopefully my mind won't have those dark thoughts ever again. But, I know that I am blessed and I do believe there's a greater plan for my life. I know that if I had stayed in the Army my life would look very different now and I wouldn't have my wonderful family.
I have promised the amazing and beautiful Mrs. Patty Burgin (you'll remember her from previous blogs) that I would remember her words to me.."Yesterday is gone. You will never be the same again.You have God's good graces to do what you want with that Gift. I have all the faith in the world that a new you is just blooming." Thank you Patty. Much love to you and John...
You know that in sharing my experiences I try to leave ya'll with some inspiration. I guess today's is to stop "What if-ing". So, no more "What if's..." They aren't healthy and don't work to put you in a better space. Kinda of an annoying saying, but there's a whole lot of truth in the expression, "It is what it is." You are where you are and only you can decide which direction to go by putting one foot in front of the other and move with a purpose. I am proud that even in my darkest days when I didn't think I could go on, I did. I pray that you never find yourself in that situation, but if you do, please don't ever give up and ask for help. There are better things to come! Yes, my life was absolutely derailed by my surgery, but attitude is truly everything and I have received so many blessings from this scary and life threatening time.
I am eternally grateful for all of you and for you taking the time to read my humble words. You may not realize it, but what I've shared today is something I have shared with only a select few. I share with you today with the hope of helping others in their own journey. It's scary to put it all out there. I was tempted to delete this whole blog, but I will be true to my purpose and goal...if this helps just one person then it's worth it. Some of this will be shocking to friends and family, but this is my truth. Take what you will from it, but also remember the strength it takes to honor your own truth,,,whatever it may be.
Much love, blessings, and strength to each of you...
Mel
PS: I had a whole bunch of songs in mind for this blog, but this one just felt right and has so much truth to it...