The Reality of Recovery
Well folks, I did promise early on that I would share the whole Clint Eastwood with ya’ll. Today’s blog kinda focuses on the ugly or not so pretty side, but it’s reality, so let’s talk about the top 10 in no real particular order…
Holy Fat Face! Right now I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. Since I’m on life saving steroids that help to decrease the swelling in my brain and all, I have developed a moonpie/ chipmunk cheek face with an extra special topping of acne. Awesomesauce. So, pretty much all vanity left me when I entered the hospital, but three weeks into all this and I am ready to see my own face staring back at me. I will not sweat the small stuff, but I thought you should be aware in case you see me in public soon so I don’t totally frighten ya’ll. Hahaha… The hair is starting to grow back too…bonus!
Sleep. Precious, wonderful, amazing sleep. Not getting a whole lot at the moment. (If you couldn’t tell by my midnight blogs) Apparently the RX’s I’m still on are not helping me sleep. In fact, this is pretty gross, but every night I have to have a few changes of jammies next to the bed because when I do fall asleep I end up waking within a couple of hours drenched in sweat and I have to get up and change into dry clothes! The first week at home was the worst because I think I was detoxing from whatever they gave me in the hospital and I seriously had the most nasty sweat smells EVER. It's a smell I cannot even begin to describe, but it was not at all normal or pretty. Lots of sheet washing going on around here lately. I think that after things normalize a bit we will be burning these sheets and buying new ones!
Speaking of smells… So, yep. I’ve mentioned that my body doesn’t love all of my life saving drugs. It pains and embarrasses me to say this, but I have had the worst, most horrible gas. No one should smell like this. I’ve pretty much worked around mostlu dudes all my life and the smells from me could not be more toxic. I was a walking bio-hazard.
I am so thankful that we had a whole house fan put in about a year ago. Besides savings on energy costs, it has also saved my poor family. Alex was afraid that I might blow up the entire house. Future visitors, its way better now so you’re pretty safe if you do stop by. If not, I totally apologize in advance and I promise to turn on the house fan as quickly as possible!
My voice. So, you guys know that this has been a bit of a concern for me. I actually had an appointment with the Speech Dept at Kaiser today. Loved the therapist. She was awesome and way down to earth. Basically, I am still speaking in a whisper so it’s really hard for anyone to understand me. It is like a very bad case of laryngitis. Bottom line, there are many possibilities of what happened and only time and training will help. My vocal cords are not closing properly when I speak so I have to do some exercises to work on that. It could be that the tube was just in my throat so long during the surgery that it has done some damage that can hopefully be fixed through therapy.
The other kinda scary option is that due to the location of the tumor, it’s possible that there was a little damage to the sensory and motor strip of my brain when they operated. It was hopefully going to be a 2-3 hour surgery that turned into 6 hours or so. The BAT was so large that they had to apparently remove cells to get all the tumor. Was it that? Maybe where they actaully drilled the hole in my head? Who knows! :) As Rob and I googled all this tonight, it appears that my hole in my head is pretty much near where the vocal cords are affected. That’s a question for the Dr. next week…BUT, the brain is a powerful thing and my neurons are still firing and pretty much connecting which is a brilliant thing! Here's some grahics for my nurse buddies and anyone else who might be interested....
Food. I have been eating A LOT! I have been told that again, it’s the lifesaving steroids. I am slowly being taken off these at the moment thankfully. I sure hope that my normal appetite comes back because I have to eat every 2-3 hours or I get a bit Hangry! (Hungry/Angry) I’m not normally a big eater or dessert person, but we’ve had more banana splits the last 3 weeks than we have had in the last 3 years. I am extremely thankful for my “Active Wear” and stretchy jeans right now. LOL And a HUGE thanks to all who have supplied us with such amazing meals. Trust me, nothing has gone to waste around here!
Exercise. I am still limited to walking and it still amazes me just how quickly I get worn out. I really hope that when I see the Dr. next week I will be allowed to add more to my fitness regimen. I’m not trying to be all crazy, but to get some energy and muscle back would be amazing. Use it or lose it is definitely true! Thanks for those who have been hitting the trails on my behalf! You guys rock!
Public. I think I’m doing all good until I go into the real world… I’m not sure if I just get overwhelmed by the emotion of it all or if it’s the RX again, but so far being out there with people has been way more challenging than I expected. I am not a shy person. Ya’ll know that I will talk to just about anyone at any time. I really like having some great conversations and all. But, as soon as I see people I know, I become totally overwhelmed and can’t even really talk without getting all teary. Another hurdle I will work to cross. Sorry Bender Family….I hope you understood! In my mind I have to think about the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, and it makes me laugh to do my best Ron White impression of, “I wasn’t in PUB-LIC, until you put me in PUB-LIC…”
Independence. So, I hear that I can’t drive for about 6 months. This is a biggie for me. I am so used to just going somewhere when I need to go and living where we live, it’s not like I can hop on the subway or metro! Thank you so much to those who have volunteered to shuttle me around! I can’t wait to drive again! Did I mention that I miss driving?
Family. This leads to the next reality of recovery. I moved back to my home town so that my kids could grow up in the same beautiful community I did and so that they could grow up doing all the amazing things that Nor Cal has to offer- including the time to spend with family. It’s always been wonderful that all the kids can see their grandparents and really have relationships with them. I thought that I would be the one doing most of the kid raising, but now the bulk of it (and they are not complaining at all and they LOVE it) is on the grandparents.
I am so thankful that we all live so close and that they are here to help us. I honestly don’t know what I would do without their help. My mom Nancy and stepdad Don, were finally preparing to really retire (for reals this time) and travel across the US and they have put that on hold while all this gets sorted out. There are not words to express how grateful I am that we have such amazing parents who would do anything, literally, for us and the kids.
Sorry, I was trying to keep this one a little on the lighter side, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Speaking of cookies…mmmmhhh….sounds delicious. Hahaha. But, really the reality of recovery comes down to the love and support of all the people who have reached out to us from all over the globe and from so many stages of our lives from grammar school, high school, different collegues, people who we've never actually met, etc. Ya’ll really know how to show a girl and her family some MAD LOVE!!! We will be eternally grateful and we are so blessed to have you in our lives.
We are all recovering in our own ways and I know it’s the same for the ripple effect this has had on so many. It’s a single step forward every day and it obviously affects us all- this is far beyond just “ My Journey.” It is our journey and there are a whole lot of others fighting the good fight right now in so many ways. Be kind and inspire each other.
Thanks for continuing to read and reach out to us. XOXO -Mel