A Grand Social Experiment

First, I continue to get better just about every day. My hair is growing back so it looks all spiky on top. I try to wear a hat or headband if I go out in public so that I don’t scare anyone! I’ve lost 5 pounds but still have lots of poundage to go to get back to my pre-surgery weight. I know that sounds trivial, but it’s just a part of trying to get back to normal. I am usually not clumsy at all, but since the surgery I seem to still trip and knock things over at least once a day. Hope that part goes away too! Hahaha… I’ve had more energy the last couple of days which is great considering we have been on puppy patrol! Sierra had 9 pups- 6 girls and 3 boys!! So, for the first time since I came home, Sierra is not by my side all the time as she is busy with the 9 puppers! It’s just like having a newborn in the house!

“How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.” – William Shakespeare

On to the blog topic… I know it’s taken me a little while to get this one out, but I was trying really hard to get it right. Undergoing the experiences and events we’ve been through the last five weeks has certainly been interesting to say the least. I really debated doing this blog topic, but, you should know by now that I am trying hard to keep it real and not to shy away from the truth. I have had a great support system through all this, but it certainly has been revealing too. This one is a little longer than usual, but I hope it's helpful...

What’s been really eye opening is to see what support you really get and from whom. Immediately during and right after my surgery I was overwhelmed with posts and emails from many people which was so appreciated. I was surprised to hear from people I haven’t spoken to or heard from since high school or before that! I’ve heard from people I didn’t even know or barely knew prior to all this and we have become friends through this. I have also become closer with my neighbors as well. Then there are the people I thought would reach out and be supportive, that I really haven’t heard from much at all. It’s somewhat eye opening- even with family members. I don’t take it personally, but it really is the grand social experiment to watch how it all plays itself out. I say this without judgement, just as an observation. I have plenty of time to observe lately. For those who have been a part of my recovery, it’s really been a wonderful blessing to have these kind and compassionate people reach out.

It’s funny though, as time goes by the comments and support seem to slow down when you really need it most. Is it because the surgery seems to be a success and people think, “Ah, its Mel. She’s tough, she’s a fighter, and she will be just fine” or is it because people think they’ve made the obligatory Facebook comment and now they can move on with their busy lives or is it because we haven’t reached out enough to the particular individual enough and we’ve hurt their feelings or offended them?

I say this with no judgment, blame, or accusations at all. It’s just been really interesting to observe this situation. Observing people’s actions from this side of the road is awakening. Rob and I have questioned our own compassion towards others when they have faced similar terrible situations. Did we do enough? Did the person/people know that we truly cared and that we were there for them or did we just carry on with our “busy lives.” Did we reach out and actually send a card or make a meal or go out of our way for them?

It’s very easy to post on Facebook, messenger, or a text, “If you need anything please don’t hesitate to ask” or “praying” or “I hope U R doing well.” BUT, being on this side of the situation, I have found that I really don’t always feel comfortable asking for help. Maybe it’s just me and a select few who think this way. But the people who “Just do it” are a wiser breed than the rest of us who make offers of help once and then move on.

I have found a deep appreciation for the folks who have kept in touch, even if I haven’t been great at it and who have graciously helped my family to live a somewhat “normal” life. I know I’m not the only “show” in town and everyone is going through something difficult, but it is reassuring to hear from folks and know that you have not been forgotten because “the worst is over.”

I’ve had this conversation with one of my heroes…Norm Paul. My Dad, Norm, went through a horrific situation before I was born that left him in the hospital for 6 weeks in Sioux City, Iowa and ultimately losing his hearing, right arm, and passion which was his career as a sprint car driver (more on that in another post). He related to time going by and each day he basically fell off the radar of some of the people he believed were good friends. It’s a humbling reality as you begin to rebuild your life.

My brother, Tim, lost his right eye playing first base at a softball game at Regional Park and has undergone so much and remained positive because it wasn’t the eye he lost wasn’t the one he used to look through the scope of his rifle as he is a big hunter. My mom went through so much that I won’t reveal here. I have had close friends, neighbors, and new friends reveal what they have been through and what they are going through and it’s heartbreaking to say the least. How many people were/are there for them? We just get so consumed in our own “stuff”. I promise you that it’s never too late to reach out…until it’s really too late.

With that, please know everyone goes through horrible, tough situations and we can always be better at helping them. We all deal with difficult situations differently and that doesn’t mean we always deal with them well. I’m convinced that only about 2% of the population does this adequately and unfortunately I am not one of them, but I do have a much better understanding of what others have gone/ go through after what we’ve seen for ourselves. Everyone has been blessed with their own strengths in life and not all of us can be the compassionate caregivers, but when we have someone we truly care about we can use our gifts to show our love in our own ways…

My dear friend since I was 4 years old, Hayden May, works in a field that deals with grief every day. She has graciously agreed to help me with the below list. Together, we have put together some thoughts to help the 98% out there to help them to help others. Whether it’s someone who has gone through something like I have, someone who has lost a loved one, or someone who is going through any hardship. These are mostly common sense ideas, but we could all use reminders! I am so thankful for the people who have been there and done these things for me. Remember, whatever religion or non-religion you prescribe to, kindness always matters.

1. Hitting Like on Facebook or commenting is great, but please don’t forget the personal touch. Go an easy extra step and send them a PM or text at least.

2. Send a card! I know that mailing things can be a pain, but spend the $.50 for a stamp and get a card, write a heartfelt message, and mail it. It will be appreciated! (Thanks to everyone far and near for the beautiful cards.)

3. Not everyone can afford to send flowers or balloons (thanks to those who did!), but certainly you can take the time to make something special for them. Back to Pintrest- I’m sure you can find something cheap and easy. Remember, it really is the thought that counts. Just taking the time to show you care can make the world of a difference in someone’s life. (Thanks Sara F. for the amazing handmade boot cuffs and headbands. You are awesome! Laurel C. – Thank you for the world’s best coloring book EVER! I loved it!!)

4. Make a meal or buy a meal. Help or find someone that can help with chores such as house cleaning or mowing the lawn. Think of something that takes the stress off or the person or the family. (Thank you to my family, Ginger, Bea, Amber, Peggy W., Steph, Sheri B., Courtney G., Jennifer, Jill, and so many more amazing friends!)

5. Offer to take the person somewhere fun or just go hang out and talk with them if they are up for it. It doesn’t need to be a long visit, but if you’re friends or family then we’re sure they’d love to see your smiling face.

6. If they have kids, volunteer to watch them for an hour or two so they can catch a nap and the kid can just be a kid for a little while and not worry about the traumatic event they may have gone through. (Thank you Jennifer S!)

7. Drive them to some place they need to go…a meeting, the store, an appointment, etc. (Thanks to my family, Katrina B., Chris F., Julie B, and to all those who have offered.)

8. Take them for a walk or to the park or for a hike in nature. Go watch a beautiful sunset! (Thank you Hayden, Jenn R, and Linda L)

9. Help them with contacting their insurance, paying bills, making the necessary phone calls, etc. (Huge thanks to my Mom and Rob! XOXO)

10. Care Packages are a fun and unique way to show the people, especially those who are far away that you're thinking of them. These are so fun to open! (Thanks to Aunt Rhonda, Sherrey, and the entire Bowman staff!)

11. Instead of telling them to call if they need anything, anticipate the need, let them know when you will be there, and what you are going to do for them. Be reliable and sincere in your actions. (Please see list above!)

12. Show your love in YOUR best way. I talked about strengths. Use YOUR strengths whatever they may be. It’s easy to bury your head in the sand and stay busy, but any one of these things will be appreciated by the person.

Thank you again for keeping up with my blog and what’s going on with me. I’m still rucking up every day and putting one boot in front of the other…

All the best to you and yours!

Mel

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama